Froshty Mugs

An occasional forum I use to earn "She was funny" on my gravestone.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Update on Me

Author's note: For those of you who haven't followed my blog, both of my daughters were critically injured in a car accident on September 22, 2007 and both spent a week in ICU. Mary, my older daughter, was home a few days after that, but Anna, my younger, spent almost a month in the hospital, had to have her jaw rebuilt and had to have back surgery, before she was sent to skilled nursing facility for 8 weeks. She finally returned home, in a back brace, on December 17. Her story is one of miracles, unbelievable strength of will, and a remarkable attitude. She took her final back brace off on Sunday, but now faces the possibility of serious dental work related to the destruction of her jaw. I've decided to ease myself back into blogging with excerpts from an email I sent to a close group of online friends called "The Amazing Women's Room," or "AWR," for short. So, here they are.

My lawyer recommended that I keep a journal of everything I've felt since the accident because it can be very helpful in court. I've been doing that as much as I can, but today I have a need to share some of it with y'all. The good news is that I haven't changed all that much (I still hate dook, Coach K., and George W. Bush and his administration with a passion so strong that I can feel my blood boil when I see any of them on television, for example, and I love my Tar Heels as much as I ever have, although I briefly considered suicide after Carolina lost to dook last Wednesday) and most of the changes are not negative.

I know I'm stronger now because I've lived through something that I wish no one had to go through. I know that the results of the accident could have been far worse and either or both girls could have died, but even though they lived, the days at times have been difficult. I have even more confidence than I used to because I have been able to bear up under extremely difficult times and have fought insurance companies and hospitals and won. I've let myself meltdown when I needed to, the latest meltdown coming after Anna came home and I could discharge a lot of fears and negativity with impunity (on the phone with my mom) because the hardest part of our war was over.

I've never been that patient, but my patience is a little thinner now, especially when it comes to waiting. I've never liked waiting, but I hate it now. I think that's because of the agonizing amount of waiting I've had to do since September 22: waiting to hear what had happened to Mary and Anna in the Emergency Room, waiting for Anna to go off life support, waiting for information, and waiting at slow stoplights when I was driving to see both girls in the hospital. I especially hate the long waits in doctors' offices now and resent that doctors schedule more than one patient for the same appointment time.

I've also become a little less extroverted. I've had to talk about so many important things related to life and death that I no longer want to engage in social chit chat. I've gathered my really good friends closer and I've shed myself of some acquaintances. For now, I really seem to care only about deep, lasting relationships and don't feel like developing or participating in superficial ones.

My eating habits have changed. For example, the idea of eating a huge bowl of Grapenuts with soy milk like I did before the accident makes me want to choke. Only recently have I begun to eat Grapenuts again, but it's a small amount with a small amount of soy milk. My lunches are very small--usually yogurt or a cheese sandwich. I eat better at dinner, but not as much as I used to. I get fuller faster or I start to feel sick when I'm presented with a lot of food. I'm eating healthier though because Lorenzo and I use a lot of fresh vegetables and seasoning when we cook. Speaking of which, there's the most shocking change of all: I'm cooking and I actually enjoy it! I've even made up dishes in my head or doctored some I've found in cookbooks.

Despite my shocking transformation from a person who used to fear and loathe the stove to someone who is leaving cooking hints in a comment on her brother's blog, I've lost weight. I actually lost a huge amount of weight right after the accident because I couldn't eat at all for about 4 days and after that only a little, but I've gained some of that back now that I try to eat regularly.

I'm drinking more soda (in particular, Coke Zero) and less water. I have no idea what that's about. I still drink 16 ounces of water a day, but I used to drink 32 ounces and I never (or rarely drank) soda. For some reason, plain water feels weird on my throat and I feel funny when I drink it. I force myself to, though, because water's good for me and I've been drinking it for years. I tell myself that I can have a Coke Zero after I drink water.

I'm not smoking (I smoked briefly after the accident), but I crave cigarettes all the time. I went 8 years without smoking and without thinking about cigarettes, but now I think about cigarettes all the time. I really hate that craving.

The weirdest thing is that I can't use body washes anymore when I shower; I have to have a bar of soap. I've given the girls all my body washes and am happily using Lever 2000.

Sometimes I think that the changes in eating habits, drinking soda, using bar soap, and craving cigarettes is a return to the lifestyle I had before the girls were born. In those days, I rarely ate breakfast, and when if I did, it was a small amount. I used Dove bar soap. I drank a lot of Diet Coke and Tab in those days and I smoked regularly. Maybe my mind regressed to that point in case the girls were no longer in my life--I don't know--as a form of mental protection. Maybe over time, once my mind has accepted that the danger of losing the girls from the accident is over, I can return to water drinking, body wash using, and eating bigger breakfasts. Maybe the craving for cigarettes will go away.

I also no longer feel compelled to answer every e-mail I read. I read them all, but I only respond to the ones that make me want to say something either funny, profound, or loving.

And, finally, I've always been absent-minded, thanks to the ADD, but I'm a little more so now. Thank goodness I have Lorenzo, who is really good at watching what I do and where I put things so that he can help me when I forget stuff.

So that's me after the accident. For those of you who are wondering if I've lost my sense of humor, I can happily attest to the fact that it's still here. I don't think it ever went away. I laugh every day and I'm already planning a less serious blog entry called "More Random Things That Bother Me," so stay tuned.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, nice to see you up and running again--interesting post. linser

11:32 AM  
Blogger Emily Barton said...

Glad to see you're up and posting again. A Michie lose her sense of humor? Never! So, next time I come visit, you'll be cooking up a storm for me, right?

8:46 AM  
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